STIs! Let’s dive into the depths of these dastardly diseases and discover what deadly deliciousness awaits your dongle if you dip it in a disastrous dame. (lol sorry I started and I couldn’t stop.)

I’m gonna start nice and biblical with gonorrhea (or gonorrhoea, same same.) Also known as “the clap.” Which I’ve just found out, is derived from the French word for brothel, “clapier.” Huh, the more you know.  This is a sexually transmitted infection caused by a bacteria called Neisseria gonorrhoeae. You see where the name comes from now, don’t you? Excellent. Hey, the dumb thing about gonorrhea is that it is often asymptomatic; you don’t know you have it cos you don’t display any symptoms. So you might accidentally pass it on without even realising that it’s there, which would suck. This is why it’s important to go get regular STI checks, especially if you have multiple partners. If you do get symptoms when infected with this bug, they go something like this.

“Ow, it burns when I pee! What’s this weird stuff coming out of the end of my penis/vagina? Ow ow ow my testicles/pelvis are/is really sore…. I’m not due for my period yet, why am I bleeding?”

That last one is only for the ladies sorry dudes. You’ll figure it out from the other stuff. Now to the juicy bit; how it spreads. Unsurprisingly, it spreads through sexual contact (durr it’s an STI) but it can also spread from mother to child during birth. Sexual contact meaning vaginal, oral, or anal sex. Men have a 20% chance of contracting the disease if they have unprotected vaginal sex with an infected woman, women have a 60-80% risk if they have unprotected vaginal sex with an infected man. Yeah, women often get the short end of the stick when it comes to STIs, mostly because… well… the bacteria gets all up in your vag, the nice warm moist delicious place that bacteria love to grow in. Yummy.

Don’t want gonorrhea? Use condoms! In exciting news, you can get antibiotic treatment for this infection and get it cleared right up, yay for Alexander Fleming and the discovery of antibiotics!


On that note, I’m gonna start talking to you about another bacterial STI, chlamydia! It’s caused by a bacteria called Chlamydia trachomatis, and, like the clap, is quite often asymptomatic. If it is symptomatic, it has similar symptoms to the clap too, like burning when you pee, weird discharge and pain. The bad thing about this one for us ladies is that if it spreads up into the pelvis, causing pelvic inflammatory disease, it can result in ectopic pregnancies and infertility, which is why (again) it’s super important to go get tested if you have multiple or new sexual partners. In the Western world, it’s spread the same as gonorrhea, mouth butt vag. In developing countries it can spread through personal contact, contaminated towels and flies, and it can infect other areas of the body too, like the eyes. Which is why chlamydia is a common cause of blindness in the developing world. Even though it’s treatable. Yes ladies and gents, once again say a prayer to ole’ Alex F up in the sky, it’s treatable with antibiotics. In fact, you can become non-infectious in just seven days from the start of treatment! That means you only have to wait a week before getting freaky again! Go you! Use condoms if you don’t want to get it again.


I’m just real briefly gonna touch on the stigmas surrounding STIs. Way back when, due to some stupidly archaic thought processes, it was often a huge deal to get an STI. Especially for women, they were thought of as harlots, sluts, skanks, whores, all those awful names for a sexual promiscuous woman.

Gee, thanks patriarchy!

SIDE BAR: One time my Mum sent me a text and was like “you’re such a slut” and I was like “MUM OMG WTF NO I’M NOT” and she was like “yes you are your room is so messy” because apparently slut used to mean an untidy woman, and now (clearly) it means something else.

The extra bullshit thing about women being blamed for spreading STIs is that women are actually more like to contract STIs, not spread them. And to top it off, the stigma surround sex itself has led people to simply ignore or not seek treatment for STIs due to embarrassment or shame. This is a crock of shit, it’s an infection just like anything else. To stop spread of x infection, do y. To stop spread of a cold, cover your mouth when you cough. To stop spread of some STIs, cover your willy when it coughs. Simple enough.

Let’s not be dumbos about this. Get tested, be aware of your risks, and don’t be silly wrap your willy. Contain the viper before you pipe her. Cover your stump before you hump. Don’t be a fool, cover your tool. Armour the tank before you enter the flank. No glove; no love.

Thank you and goodnight!

lol thanks for indulging my silly rhymes, hope you found this post helpful. Stay tuned for more exciting posts full of puns and bad jokes, and GET LEARNED!



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